Fairy Tale, Scary Tale
by Kitake Neru
Summary: If you can imagine Mamori as a princess and Hiruma as her savior, you will also know that this fairytale will be anything but typical... rated for Hiruma's language. AU Hiruma x Mamori
1. Once upon a time

Disclaimer: Eyeshield21 and its characters do not belong to me

A/N: This is an AU, and it's me on crack. You have been warned.

**Fairy Tale, Scary Tale**

**Chapter 1**

~ Once Upon A Time… ~

* * *

"Oi, what do princesses do when they're kidnapped?" Agon grumbled as he moodily sharpened his knives. His twin brother and accomplice-in-crime pondered this.

_BLAM BLAM BLAM_

"Sit quietly, stare longingly out of the window and wait for the prince on a white horse to come save her?" Unsui suggested and Agon grunted his assent. "That's fuckin' correct. That's what princesses are supposed to do, that."

_BLAM-BLAM-BLAM –__**CRASH!**_

"They're supposed to sing too," Unsui continued brightly. "Or cry, whichever comes first."

_"LET ME OUT YOU BARBARIANS! LET ME OUT! ARGH!"_

"We had princes on white horses yesterday," Agon absently remarked. "Purebreed Arabians. The horses, I mean. There was this fuckin' four-eyes demanding we let her go, and there was this muscleheaded idiot who tried to ram his horse into the tower."

"Poor horse. Purebreed, you said?"

_"AGON YOU BASTARD, OPEN-THIS-DOOR!"_

"…"

"…"

"…How much longer are we supposed to wait?" Unsui asked after a lengthy pause. His eyes were turned heavenwards, clearly agitated by the non-stop banging and crashing and shouting coming from above. The neighbors might complain, being dinosaur breeders. Their dinosaurs are a touchy bunch, they are. Once the owners came over complaining that the smell of Agon's unwashed laundry was upsetting their precious dinosaurs, giving them stomach cramps. Unsui wondered if the cause of the cramps was because some of said laundry actually made it into their delicate digestive system, but he was too polite to ask.

"Those white princes might come again today." Unsui suggested and Agon seemed to cheer up at this. Unsui continued in a faraway tone; "I heard them talking about 'ballista'. Maybe we'll get to experience it ourselves?"

"Dumbass! We're supposed to find out _about_ their secret weapons, not be on the receiving end of it!" Agon barked. Seriously, his twin can be rather daft. But then again, it was Unsui who suggested the idea of kidnapping the two countries' princesses. _Both the Ojyou and Deimon treasure their princesses,_ he said. _If we do it right, we'd be able to find out their secret weapons before the annual tournament. Plus, I know Hiruma. He won't dare to let anything happen to his precious Mamori._

"Speaking of which, she's been quiet for five minutes." Agon got up. "Now's probably a good time to re-negotiate."

He ascended the tight spiral steps and came to a door. While one would consider a heavy bolted wooden door sufficient to trap hapless princesses, Agon went ahead and installed a state-of-the-art reinforced steel door with electronic locks. And of course, the traditional big 'ol padlock. He grinned through the five-inch thick safety glass. Behind it, a pair of flashing blue eyes glowered back. "Let me out!" She shouted shrilly, her voice carrying through the wall. "We've been stuck here for four days!"

"Well blame your princes for not being smart enough to come for ya," Agon replied idly, noting that the other small girl was placidly sitting near the window with a mournful expression. Now that's more like it. "Though they did come for _her_yesterday. Can't say they were too bright though."

"Once Hiruma gets his hands on you…"

"Oh I'm sure he'd be dying to flay me alive and feed me to the dogs!" Agon cackled and turned his back only to hear her shout; "Wait!"

"Well? Are we negotiating?" Agon grinned. "Tell me what are his strategies for the coming tournament and I'll let both of you go. Dragon's promise."

"That doesn't sound promising at all!" She snorted and sighed in defeat. "If I'm to be locked up here, can't you at least give me a creampuff a day? Gruel is awfully bland, you know."

Agon was about to say something when he heard Unsui call him frantically. "Agon!"

"What?"

"He's here!"

"Geh!" Agon flew down the stairs and peeked through the eyeslot in the door (also reinforced steel). Sure enough, just beyond the meadow, a bright red flag with the devilbat emblem could be seen waving sinisterly in the wind. Agon cackled. "So how does he plan to get his princess back? Hm?" He noticed another encampment a little to the left, partially hidden by the woods. "Well well well… those idiot knights on white chargers are here too. Are they co-operating for once?"

"Maybe we should wave the white flag while we still can." Unsui nervously suggested while looking through a set of high-powered binoculars. "Hiruma looks pretty pissed from here."

"Aaah that's his usual 'screw-you' expression." Agon grinned. "What's he going to do? Starve us?"

There was suddenly the high-pitched whine of a megaphone, and then the familiar demonic laugh of one Hiruma Youichi rang in the air. "YAAAA-HA~! Listen up, fuckers!"

"Like we can avoid it." Unsui muttered.

"Hand over the fuckin' creampuff-monster and that little mouse! You got one minute to give your answer before I blow your asses to kingdom come!"

"I am not a creampuff-monster!" Anezaki Mamori could be heard above the din. All they got from Wakana was a mournful sigh.

"Agon, I seriously feel we should return those girls and find another way to get info." Unsui was beginning to feel a coiling sensation in the pit of his stomach. It was like something was slowly but surely cramping his insides, and he didn't like it one bit.

"No way. That fuckin' demon came all the way here, it means he's willing to negotiate. This is better than I thought!" Agon was hooting with self-confidence.

Meanwhile, across the field, Hiruma stalked over to the Ojyou encampment. He screwed his nose up at the lavish tents, the banners and the many squires scurrying around. _Wasted resources, all of them._"Fucking four-eyes!"

Out of the biggest tent, Takami emerged. Hiruma had to hand it to him; his little squires sure know how to polish armor. "Are you ready?" Hiruma barked and Takami sighed. "We've been ready for the longest time. But again I ask you; are you positive that this method won't hurt Wakana?"

Hiruma grinned his insane grin. "Don't be silly. The fucking creampuff-monster didn't even complain when she was almost crushed by a toppling tower."

Takami sweat-dropped. "Are you crazy? She's your princess! Haven't you heard of protection and all that?"

"Protection? You should see her with a broom." Hiruma was already walking away, scratching his head. "Scares my minions shitless. Anyway, when I give the signal you fire the damn thing."

"Wait!" Takami carefully pushed his glasses up his nose. "I'll have to say that your princess is just as steely as the rest of you, but Wakana isn't. If a single hair on her head is harmed - "

"Are you doubting _my _strategy?" Hiruma's fangs were bared in a challenging grin and Takami scowled slightly. To be sure, Hiruma's strategies were out-of-this-world – but they work. For that and that reason only, Takami was willing to play along.

Then again, he supposed that it was his fault that this whole mess came about.


	2. Mamori, Mamori let down the monkey

Disclaimer: Eyeshield21 and its characters do not belong to me.

A/N: The crack continues!

**Fairy Tale, Scary Tale**

**Chapter 2**

~ Mamori, Mamori, Let Down The Monkey ~

* * *

"…Hiruma-san?"

Hiruma placidly chewed his gum and glanced at the large catapult next to him, otherwise known as the Ballista. Normally used to batter down the walls of a fortress by flinging large boulders, today it would serve a completely different purpose.

It would, frankly, be a catapult. And it won't fling any large boulder, but a small, terrified, _scrawny_boy.

Hiruma loved moments like these, when he got to be plain diabolical just for the heck of it.

"Get ready to fire!" Hiruma hollered to the Oujyou men, not caring that he was actually not in charge of them. People would obey Hiruma – loyal or not.

His eyes roved around the meadow, searching for a sign. At last he saw it – three twinkles from the left, and three twinkles from the right. "They're in position!" Hiruma called to Takami, who pushed his glasses up with a frown. "Alright, let's get this over with before those two call for reinforcements."

"You mean that flock of pigeons there?" Hiruma pointed to the sky, where at least 15 pigeons were making their way to the north. Takami's jaw dropped. "WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP THEM!"

"Do I look like a bird-catcher to you!" Hiruma barked. "Forget reinforcements – if we don't get those girls out before sundown, I'll have my ears singed off!"

Takami visibly stiffened. Of course, having Wakana cry all day was not a good thing either. "Alright, let's go!"

"Ready, fuckin' money?" Hiruma grinned and tossed a dynamite into the catapult, where Monta grabbed it. "Just hand that over to the damn princess and we'll see what happens?"

"Eheh… you're not expecting her to breathe fire on this, are youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!" Monta shrieked when Hiruma cut the catapult loose, and he was flying without wings. "Aiiiieeeeeee!"

Hiruma and Takami shielded their eyes and watched the path of flight. Monta sailed through the air in a perfect parabola – right through the small window at the top of the tower. "Perfect." Both commanders chorused with satisfaction. Takami then waved the signal – for the next phase.

Across the field, Yukimitsu noticed the signal and called down to Kurita and Komusubi from the tree. "Go go go!"

On the other side, Sakuraba did the same to Shin and Ootowara. "Move out!"

Agon strapped on his armor just as Unsui finished putting on his helmet. "I'll go check what they flung into the window."

"Don't bother. A pint-sized monkey won't be able to break through the door." Agon groused.

Wakana was the only one who screamed when Monta whizzed through the window and smacked against the opposite wall. Mamori simply peeled him off, shook him back to shape and pried the stick of dynamite off his hands. "Dynamite. I should have known he'd want this to end with a bang." She said with distaste as she unwound the short fuse. "Monta-kun?"

"Erhhh…" Monta was still seeing stars. "Hiruma-san said… 'Jump when the tower shakes.' Guh… headache MAX!"

"Jump!" Wakana exclaimed. "This is too high! We'd die for sure!"

"Not before I kill him first." A vein was throbbing at her temple and Mamori jammed the dynamite at the door. She didn't know for sure whether the dynamite can open it, but that's not the point. Then trailing the fuse to the window, she looked outside.

From her vantage point, she could see what Agon could not – two battering-rams bearing down from different sides like giant buffaloes. Technically the battering-rams can do zilch, but there is a trump card she knew Hiruma would want to play, regardless. _Heartless, absolutely._

"Wakana-chan, when I give the signal, we jump." She grabbed Wakana's hand and looked over at Monta. "Aren't you supposed to do something?"

Monta promptly clambered out of the window and scaled up to the roof, where he could see something else beyond the field – sleeping dinosaurs. "Ready!"

"Wait Mamori-nee, this is – KYAAAA!" Wakana screamed when Mamori pushed her out, lit the fuse and then leapt down herself just as the two battering-rams impacted the walls.

Hiruma's plan, she reflected, was wholly dependant on two things – timing, and cooperation. Though she had no doubt that her devilish commander could get the timing down pat, cooperation is completely out of his league. Not when you're cooperating with the Ojyou Knights.

On the other hand, having Wakana was something of a go-between, she considered – and then renewed her vow to smack Hiruma until his head spun.

It was all _his fault_.

Hiruma gave his word that Wakana wouldn't be harmed, and he intended to keep it anyway (if for nothing else, just to make sure he isn't in any deeper shit than he already is). So he followed Wakana's spectacular descent (silk skirts bloom very nicely – maybe she'll parachute down without help?) and just before Wakana could turn into splatter, she was easily caught by Sakuraba.

Hiruma grinned. One down, one more to go.

Then, several things happened at once.

One: Agon and Unsui sprinted out of the tower, fully intending to fight back.

Two: The roof of the tower exploded and Monta fell – singed, charred, but alive.

Three: …

…Mamori landed on a trampoline.

Well, not exactly a trampoline per se, but Kurita sans armor was a close enough description. Mamori bounced off his round belly and landed neat as a pin on her two feet. Carefully brushing off her skirts, she allowed Kurita and Monta to shield her from the debris falling around like confetti. In a low voice, she asked; "Where is Hiruma-kun?" just as Wakana asked Sakuraba; "Where is Takami-kun?"

* * *

A/N: Reviews are love. Do!


	3. And They All Lived

Disclaimer: Eyeshield21 and its characters do not belong to me. I don't even own a ballista *weeps*

A/N: Final Chapter. I only wish the crack would last…

**Fairy Tale, Scary Tale**

**Chapter 3**

~ And They All Lived… ~

* * *

"Where is Hiruma-kun?"

"Where is Takami-kun?"

"Over there." The two answered simultaneously, pointing in the same direction.

Hiruma raised an eyebrow as he saw Mamori heading his way. "Oi, Takami, did you know Agon was eyeing your Wakana?"

"Huh, I'm pretty sure he was after _your _Mamori." Takami uneasily pushed his glass up the bridge of his nose, eyes fixed on the advancing females. "In any case, you sent her to spy on our new technique, didn't you?"

"_Fuck_. You invited her over with the same idea. Why else did you write in postscript: 'A creampuff party'?" Hiruma was clearly uneasy now. Mamori was getting closer, and he could see that she was seething. There is no joking his way out of this. "So…"

"So…" Takami's eyes were also on Wakana, but he wasn't as bothered as Hiruma. His darling sweet Wakana won't dare lift a finger against him. "What about Agon?"

"Ah." The twin bandits were currently buried under rubble, but Hiruma was betting on their cockroach genes to survive. In fact, the next part of his plan depended on it.

"_Hi-ru-ma-kun~_!" Mamori's sing-song voice alerted him that she was now only two armlengths away. Which meant he had exactly two armlengths to figure out whether she would slap him or scream at him – both unpleasant in their own way.

He decided that he wasn't going to wait for the outcome. He discreetly snapped his fingers behind him and put on a wide grin for Mamori. "So you survived without a scratch. I expected nothing less."

"Takami-kun!" Wakana collapsed into Takami's arms, sobbing - as he expected. "You came!"

"Without a _scratch_!" Mamori's pitch rose with every word. Right now she was downright indignant. "How can you say that after – "

"I was _so afraid_!" Wakana sniffed and Takami awkwardly patted her shoulder. "Princess, I'm really sorry about – "

"Having you spy on Ojyou was a complete failure." Hiruma shook his head as if disappointed. "I bet the creampuffs were fuckin'– "

"Drugged!" Wakana wailed. "I woke up to find myself in that horrible tower. Luckily Mamori-nee was there, or I might have – "

" - _Lost it_?" Mamori was close to exploding now. "If you came a day later, goodness knows what those two clowns might have done to us! And it took you four days! Four days! You – "

"Mamori-neesan!" A trembling voice halted her tirade and Mamori's enraged expression turned to one of frantic worry. "Sena? What are you doing here?" She rushed over to the smaller boy and began patting him for injuries. "Goodness, you're not supposed to leave the castle!"

Hiruma's steely gaze bore into the back of his skull and Sena gulped before repeating the lines that he had been told to say; "I… I was worried about you, Mamori-neesan! We thought you'd be staying over at Oujyou for a few days, but suddenly a messenger arrived saying you and Princess Wakana were kidnapped…"

"So the messenger was delayed?" Mamori glared at Takami, who silently cursed the gloating Hiruma. _Damn you, foisting the blame on me!_"Er… perhaps the terrain, princess. Deimon isn't made of plains and valleys, you know."

"But I'm really glad you're safe, Mamori-neesan!" Sena cried. "So let's go home – "

"Not just yet." Hiruma grinned. "I still have to teach those bastards a lesson. But it won't be me, though."

"Move out!" Takami clapped his hands and to Mamori's surprise, the large ballista and tents had disappeared. "Will somebody please tell me what's going on?"

"Well, we don't want to give ourselves away, do we?" Hiruma grinned and suddenly Mamori noticed – no – it was because she was so worked up earlier, she didn't notice the rumbling sound in the air. But now that she had calmed down, it became obvious. What's more, the ground was beginning to shake too. "…What is the meaning of this?"

"Locked up there for four days and never noticed it?" Hiruma was cackling as he observed Agon and Unsui pulling themselves out of the rubble. Dented, granted, but alive and kicking. Just as Hiruma hoped they would. And not a moment too soon, for a large shadow fell over the two villains, causing them to stop dead in their tracks. Looking up a clawed leg… up a torso with skin like concrete… up a head that had nasty snapping jaws… up to the mahout currently standing on top of said head.

And on his lofty perch, Marco the dinosaur breeder used all the height he had to stare them down. If looks could kill, Agon and Unsui would be buried in a hole as deep as the dinosaur was tall, and the worst part was that the dinosaur seemed more than pissed enough to do it.

"Which one of you clowns," Marco began in an irritated tone; "Had the _brilliant _idea of blowing up the tower while my babies were having their mid-afternoon nap?"

There was a pause as the twins contemplated death by being eaten or suicide, and…

"Gaaaah!" Agon made a sprint for the open field, but a second shadow blocked his path. This time the dinosaur was even bigger, meaner… just like its mahout.

"Good job, Gaou," Marco applauded idly. "Now – "

"It wasn't us!" Unsui burst out desperately. "It was that bastard Hiruma! He threw a monkey into the tower, armed with explosives!"

Marco paused, digesting this before an enlightened smile made its way up his face. For a second Unsui almost believed they were safe – until the smile changed to a sneer. "You expect me to believe that shit?"

Far away, Mamori clung to Hiruma tighter as they galloped back to Deimon astride his hell stallion, Cerberus. "I think I heard screams."

Hiruma merely cackled, clearly pleased with himself. But all thoughts of victory was dashed when he felt Mamori pinch his ears. "We're still not done, Hiruma-kun." She said sweetly, voice dripping with venom. "You still have a lot of explaining to do, so you might as well start now."

Scowling, Hiruma swore something unholy. Women!

**The End**


End file.
